I'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places...

I had a visit from a long gone lover in a dream last night. I was running a fever, so it's not surprising the dream was a little weird.

We were hosting a party, and he stopped by, healthy and lithe, not having aged at all. He put his hand gently on my back, or on my hand, as he walked past, and left before all the guests were gone.

"But wait," I said, stepping into the elevator. "I was hoping we could talk."

"It's all be said," he replied.

Damn dream.

And then I was left with a long list of "I wanted, I wanted, I wanted..."

I wanted to fix all the things I'd done wrong, say all the things I never said. I wanted, somehow, to make things finish on that note that story tellers hope for. That ending which makes meanings out of things that have many meanings and no meanings.

On waking, I found myself wondering at desire. How selfish a thing desire is sometimes. I know that there are many churches which espouse that we should only have sex within the confines of marriage, something most of us ignore before we're married, and some continue to ignore after marriage.

Not typically being a pundit for right wing thinking, there's usually an advantage to a least considering the other point of view.

What is sex for, when it's not for making babies?

Is it a way to get closer to someone?

Or is it a way to use someone, as a fleshtoy, to get your freak on?

Is there a problem with a usurious relationship, if it is conducted by mutual consent?

I wish there was an easy answer. I don't think there is.

But I think it's something we need to be able to talk about, honestly if we can, at least to the people we're having sex with.

Most of the broken hearts I've seen or caused or had, seemed to come from not having distinguished what engaging in physical intimacy means.

And it doesn't mean one thing. I believe it probably means as many different things as there are relationships. For me it means things beyond words. But I still think we should be able to talk about it. The more I grow in this wondrous, wounded place the world is, the more I am convinced that it is a many layered system of complex systems.

It doesn't seem to reduce to primal elements.

Listening to the Dali Lama, he pointed out some basic truths, among them that there is no one truth - for everyone. One person, one truth, he said.

How can we hope to engage another, without an understanding of what that engagement means to them as well as to us? Without knowing what their truth is? Lest we wreak havoc in their lives and ours.

We need so much. And need gets a bad rap, so we try really hard never to admit our need. The most secure people I've ever met are people whose needs are being met.

Among the many things we require, we need to be wanted and loved, exactly as we are. And our deepest urges, those things that we are afraid to tell anyone or afraid to share - are probably the things that we most risk in our lives with our intimate partners. It takes great courage to stand before someone literally and psychologically naked.

Focusing outward, then, how can we, as a society, have the audacity to say what is marriage and what is not?

Every marriage is different, based on different rules and assumptions. Every marriage has it's own private universe of comprehension. How many times have you heard one person in a couple say "I married my best friend" ?

My husband and I share this uncommon belief that there is little difference between the commitment we make to our friends, and to our marriage. That's a good thing, because we'd probably make someone who didn't share this belief more than a little miserable, insecure, or frightened. But we are pretty attached to each other. And, as much as we can, we befriend for life. Being married sometimes hampers the amount of energy we can give our friends, but our door is always open and there is always a spare couch.

I am even a little suspicious of the structure that tries to restrict my commitment to a single nuclear family. The larger our family the greater our security in the world. Security of all kinds. Love, friendship, support, camaraderie, advice, help with the living of life, the give and take in times of need and plenty.

So if my best friend happened to be a girl, does that makes a difference in whether or not I should be married?

If we allow ourselves to go down that track, then do we start checking on whether people who are marrying and having sex intend to have children?

People who are passed child bearing age, should they not be able to marry?

How can we have a state create a constitutional law which prohibits any marriage?

If one is really going to bring religion into the government - something we are not supposed to do anyway, consider this:

God was the first matchmaker.

Where love is found, is there not also god?

And what god hath joined together, let no man put asunder.